TOP POSTS

Just a few of our faves based on the interaction, comments and banter from all our lovely followers on Facebook. Check it ooott!

Me "Jen, she's still hungry.."

Wife "You sure?"

Me "Pretty positive.."

Do you ever just stare at your kids for hours on end and think...

...I made you with my balls. 

Will I go on another family holiday? Will I feck! 
Ok, maybe that's slightly harsh. I did indeed have a few great hours on our first holiday away to Portugal.

Granted these few fleeting moments involved me being by myself at the pool, balls deep in a book and with a lolly in hand but those minutes were like gold dust! For the DILFs stupid enough to think a holiday abroad is a good idea, read on! 

1/ We did not lace our daughters cookies for the flight, she just does that face when she knows something we don't. Everyone will look at you as you walk down the plane, smelling of fear, and yes, they are thinking "please don't sit next to me" but bring an iPad loaded with 500 hours of Disney films and you might just make it through. 

2/ How does a baby with clothes 1/9th the size of an adult require a bigger case? There's one for you Brian Cox. 

3/ You can never put enough suncream on a baby. They will be in the shade wearing something less revealing than a burka and four hats but the wife will still insist on more cream for the skin we can't see. The bottle says not for internal use but we probably did break those rules during the lathering process. 

4/ Pools used to be about somersaults and spotting hot ladies in minimalist swimwear. Now you sit in the kids pool comprised of 50% wee, 40% chlorine and last but not least, a 10% mixture of water, leaves, bugs and more wee. 

5/ You don't spend time with your significant other on holiday. It's called shift patterns. One of you has a holiday while the other walks a pram the length of Europe. The game is to see if you can get the baby to sleep before your electrolyte levels drop below fatal and your calves cramp worse than the Guinness book of records pogostick champion. 

6/ It's worth noting that the pram mentioned in point 5 is not the expensive one you just bought last year that could have been a down payment for a new car. No. You need a holiday pram, which is almost as expensive as the other pram you own but is 1cm smaller and has a better roof. This roof is vital as it stops sunlight landing on the oiled up ninja nestled in the already shady under carriage. 

7/ Bed by 10pm. Sober. Tired. Feeling like you've spent the afternoon at Hacksaw Ridge. 

8/ Work calls to me like a drunk ex girlfriend. I can't wait to embrace routine and a breakfast that doesn't consist of stale Coco pops and a baguette that looked like it had been kicked here from France. I long for the days my wife gets back to doing her fair share of 90% of the parenting while I bluff through life convincing her dad that this handsome addition to their family isn't a complete useless tit. 

Mother Ireland, show me your bossoms!

When you home school your kids and they’ve to pass their Bronze Medallion...

"Santa is watching"

I don’t like resorting to guerrilla tactics so early in the year but needs must.
 

Alex "Daddy....Can we go to the park and play on the swings and slides?" 
Me "Of course babes!" ........... 

 

Alex "This is bullshit"

So today we are building Ikea furniture and learning lots of new words that sound like duck, mitt and punt! 

My daughters are growing older now(1 and 2 years old) so it’s only a matter of weeks before they go off to fend for themselves in the wild. I wanted to give them some valuable life lessons to help them survive the post Brexit apocalypse. 

1- You can’t un-suck a willy. Save stuff like that for when I’m dead and you’re married. 

2- Have a good handshake. Let them know you mean business but don’t break their fingers. 

3- Some of your friends may not be vaccinated what with all the expert advice their parents picked up on google. Don’t get too friendly with those kids. 

4- As a parent, I only want what’s best for you, so don’t be a tit. I’m not the smartest person in the world but I do have more experience than you. 

5- Don’t join ISIS.

6- Lift weights, train hard and get stronger. Also learn some Jiu Jitsu as their will be times you may need it. Even if you never use it, you will become a better person in the pursuit of such strength and skills. Feel free to practise on school bullies. 

7- Marry the right person. Too many people settle for safe and will go to bed at night with a balloon who doesn’t light their fire. It is better to be single and happy than to be living a shitty single life in a shitty marriage. 

8- Save what you can and spend the left overs. Not vice versa. 

9- Find what makes you happy. Do more of that (within reason ie not class A drugs). If you can become great at it and make a living doing it, don’t give it up for a safer option. 

10- Soul mates exist. Just look at me and your mum. 

11- School will teach you about Ox bow lakes, Moses, the value of Pi and mitosis. You have to learn about loads of stuff you have no interest in which actually helps highlight what you are good at and what does interest you! If you can pass exams in stuff that bores the face off you, imagine what you can do when you find your thing. 

12- One of you was planned. The other was not. Someday I might reveal the truth. 

13- Don’t use your phone at the table. Unless it’s to take a photo for your Instagram of a meal I’ve knocked up in minutes that could be featured on DILF Masterchef. 

14- Choose friends like you choose a bra. Comfort and support beats fancy label and fake bits. 

15- Boys will break your heart. Dads will break their soul. 

She can’t quite walk or talk yet...

 

BUT

 

I definitely heard someone mutter “pick my toast up biatch.”

*Before kids

Wife “Did you sleep well my sweetness?”

 

*After kids

Wife “Right dickhead, get up. You’re on duty.”

Massive thank you to whoever gave my eldest a balloon for Halloween. She has been scraping it with her nails and biting it like a grape since she got home but won’t let go without a fight to the death. This festive form of Russian Roulette has lasted about 2 hours and I don’t know if my adrenal glands can cope with much more. 

Any minute now I’m expecting a controlled explosion, lots of tears and at least 50% of our cats to propel themselves off the sofa and onto the ceiling while simultaneously shitting themselves inside out. 

“What's that daddy!??”

“It’s my willy babes. Without this beast, you and your sister wouldn’t be here!”

*wife from distance

“Yeah, neither would I..”

If you need some new swear word ideas, come watch me try to put my youngest into..

1- A grow bag
2- Trousers
3- Any form of vehicle

Me “Right babes. Bath time. 

Eldest “I would rather die than see you remove my knee dirt in your watery hell.”

Me *produces toy watering can 

Eldest “The water is my home now...the fish are my people. I shall make a new life here earth dweller.”

This weekend we are off to Venice without the children! The wife’s mum has been drafted in and will be looking after both kids while we are off!  I say she will be looking after the sprogs but guarantee she will be nosying about the house and judging me and everything I’ve ever done. I’ve left a box of women’s clothes under the bed labelled ‘for Neil’s use only’ just for the banter. 

1- It’s been a while since I have ran anywhere naked but I felt like doing it through the airport today. Seeing the other DILFs with an entourage of minions made me want to flat out pump the air and do the helicopter. I absolutely love my kids but would happily drop them off on the carousel only to pick them up on arrival. 

2- Wife’s epic decision making process. “Let’s get up in the middle of the night for the early flight so we have the whole first day to explore when we get there!” By 4pm we both had to go for a siesta, and not because of this romantic city setting but because I looked like a meth dealing insomniac who likes to wear mascara and cry a lot. 

3- Venice is epic. It’s like a labyrinth but without David Bowie in tight pants singing and generally getting a bit rapey. 

4- Jen phoned her mum to check up and see if she’s getting on ok. Not sure why as she left printed instructions on almost every kitchen unit we have. How to feed the kids, work the kettle, the TV and formula machine; fit a flux capacitor, find water using diving rods and make a small petrol generator using just washing up bottles and string. If big Sue can’t survive a weekend with those instructions she needs her adult card revoked. 

5- The best part of being away from the kids is thinking about how happy they will be when you get back and how much you will try to hold back a few emotions when their wee faces make an appearance. A break is great but I’ve grown to love those pair of dicks. 

6- If you’re going past a hotel room in a gondola, NEVER look up! You may see what looks like a birds nest. Could be my nuts. 

Wife “What time did you get home?” 

Me “2.30am ish” 

Wife “Well you’re on daddy daughter duty.” 

Me "...."

As a DILF, your virginity has probably grown back quicker than Japanese knotweed dipped in protein shakes. While your relationship may have been built on lustful foundations, it's now just two adults taking turns at sniffing a babies arse while debating what to have for dinner. 
The thought of some nookie on the horizon is making you sweat like the DUP at a gay pride march and tonight is the big night! 
So a visit to the cinema is a great way to kick off proceedings, although if you do go to see Wonder Woman and the missus asks you what you thought at the end, do not reply with.. 
A) I've just been nursing a 2 hour erection. 
B) What I wouldn't give to have washed up on that island. 
C) All of the above. 

In summary, our spare room is actually quite comfortable and the investment in good black out blinds always pays dividends... ...and all future date nights should involve you saying nothing until you're tucked up in bed!

*Nursery

Your daughter is moving up into her new class. She’s growing up so fast!

My wife....

Exciting times at team DILF!! 

So Jen has been diagnosed with another baby! 
While this is totally epic news there are a few things that worry me. 

1- The last time Jen went into labour I nearly lost 3 fingers. I compete in jiu jitsu but have never felt the grip of death like that of a woman squeezing a head from her doot! I didn't want to say 'here love, you're holding my hand a bit tight' because.. 
a) I'm hard as nails and 
b) I value my life / testicles. 

2- I already own a cute, 10kg alarm clock called Alex. She is the apple of her daddy's eye but at 6 am sounds like a tribute act for Slayer. 

3- I actually think my wife only wants babies so she can buy new stuff. A pram that holds not one but two babies?! She's almost drooling at the thought of blowing my hard earned money on a 4 wheeled 2 seater which will require an HGV license to manoeuvre around a restaurant. 

4- The V word. Apparently one of us is going to have to get a vasectomy. I've heard it's the men but I know a few doctors and fingers crossed, I can pull some strings before some maniac with a scalpel tries to pull my strings. 

5- Being a new parent is like joining the SAS but without the wages, cool uniform or 5am lie ins. In fact, I guarantee most special forces men are dads looking for the easier life. Marching around the Brecon Beacons with a torch and making tents is way more fun than scraping black tar poo off a human raisin just hours before you have to get up for work. 

6- Other women will be drawn to my soon to be showing wife and feel obliged to discuss her bodily fluids and related movements while queuing at Tesco. I do not want to talk about latching, nipples, stretch marks, or swelling. Thank you and good day!

Exciting times at team DILF!! 

So Jen has been diagnosed with another baby! 
While this is totally epic news there are a few things that worry me. 

1- The last time Jen went into labour I nearly lost 3 fingers. I compete in jiu jitsu but have never felt the grip of death like that of a woman squeezing a head from her doot! I didn't want to say 'here love, you're holding my hand a bit tight' because.. 
a) I'm hard as nails and 
b) I value my life / testicles. 

2- I already own a cute, 10kg alarm clock called Alex. She is the apple of her daddy's eye but at 6 am sounds like a tribute act for Slayer. 

3- I actually think my wife only wants babies so she can buy new stuff. A pram that holds not one but two babies?! She's almost drooling at the thought of blowing my hard earned money on a 4 wheeled 2 seater which will require an HGV license to manoeuvre around a restaurant. 

4- The V word. Apparently one of us is going to have to get a vasectomy. I've heard it's the men but I know a few doctors and fingers crossed, I can pull some strings before some maniac with a scalpel tries to pull my strings. 

5- Being a new parent is like joining the SAS but without the wages, cool uniform or 5am lie ins. In fact, I guarantee most special forces men are dads looking for the easier life. Marching around the Brecon Beacons with a torch and making tents is way more fun than scraping black tar poo off a human raisin just hours before you have to get up for work. 

6- Other women will be drawn to my soon to be showing wife and feel obliged to discuss her bodily fluids and related movements while queuing at Tesco. I do not want to talk about latching, nipples, stretch marks, or swelling. Thank you and good day!

Dream

“We will raise both kids equally! Our youngest will never be treated as some sort of second class citizen in our household.”

Reality

“I’ve just built a throne of lies...LIES!”

Firstly, how do you know when your child actually needs their nails cut? There are two major clues-

1/ They have accidentally touched their own face during the night and in doing so have almost lost an eye or at least caused some form of deep laceration which now makes you look like a terrible parent.

2/ Your child doesn’t actually do anything but their hands resemble that of a farmer with a mud fetish. How can you get a bath and wake up with more soil under your nails than you went to bed with? I’m convinced my eldest is building an escape tunnel somewhere and any day now she will go full Shawshank on me and I’ll get a postcard from the Maldives.

Now onto the actual cutting process. If you produce scissors for this task you are either absolutely mental or an expert level DILF. I prefer the clippers because I’m not a complete psychopath and have, just about, reached barely competent DILF level.

1/ Everything is about distraction. Before a child even gets a whiff of your intentions you need to have them sitting in the right position, on a throne of toys, drinking milk and completely oblivious to the potential shit storm coming their way.

2/ Clip and move. You are a samurai now. Each strike must be cleaner than the last. If you actually make a mistake you are Donald Ducked. A misplaced clip of any magnitude can lead to blood shed and blood shed leads to a lack of trust. Lose trust and you may as well walk out on your family now...or run with your scissors you absolute maniac.

*6 months ago* 

"I can't wait to see her crawl about, it will be so cute and amazing!" 

*this month* 

"I've lost the baby again. Put her in the cage so she can't go anywhere for feck sake!"

Me "Great walk Alex....want some milk?" 


Wolfie "I'm a cat you tit and contrary to popular belief, milk isn't great for me because we are lactose intolerant" 


Me "Nevermind that you numpty...

 

If you're there and I'm here.....

where's the baby?!!" 


Wolfie "...." 

DILFs day off! 

As a dad, a day off means you do twice as much as the days you actually go to work. Why? 

Because the wife has done Monday to Saturday and Sunday is your time to shine baby...aww yeah! 

- Wake up after a solid 8 hours sleep. Granted these 8 hours have been spread over 3 days but you still got 8 hours this week. If you moan about it, expect a swift kick to the helmet!

 - Every fancied being a hostage negotiator, pilot or magician? Well feeding a child breakfast falls somewhere between all three. You use a combination of YouTube, misdirection, distraction and aeroplane noises, to insert mush into an unwilling patron. Their only real concern is Peppa Pig and not the macronutrients that just got launched at the cat. 

- The wife heads off to the gym. These 50 min workouts are more frantic than Joe Wicks at a rave. She will say she just wants to go for a quick session but in reality she really doesn't trust you being alone with your own daughter. From conception to now, you have been winging it...and nothing scares a woman more than her child being left with an adult boy / husband / court jester / man idiot. 

- My breakfast during the week is always high in protein, complex carbs and quality nutrition. At the weekend it looks like a child has been given £50 and free reign at the cinema pick and mix. Toast, Wagon Wheel, Haribo and a pint of Coke? Sounds great! Eat it standing up while trying to wipe down a human octopus who thinks the wipes are made of sandpaper? Awesome! 

- Wife returns! As I try to hand the baby over like a hot potato after being on daddy duty for almost 90 minutes, she skilfully ducks and dives her way upstairs and into the shower with nothing more than a simple glance to make sure our child is still alive. She says she goes to the gym to feel better but now she's like a semi professional Ninja warrior! Daddy duty resumes! 

- Next stop, swim lessons! Sunday afternoon wouldn't be complete without dunking your daughter for an hour in water while trying to hide the tears of how much it costs. "Are you crying sir?"..."No, it's just the chlorine I swear!" 

- The rest of the day is easy. You try to figure out what is going on with your life in between naps. You could do something productive but the minute you start, YOU KNOW your baby girl will wake up; therefore you do absolutely nothing until the wife gives in and becomes the main parent again. 

What a hero!

An old hoodie with a sleeve knot makes an ideal straight jacket for a 2 year old blender with no lid!

Nursery “Ah...can we just get you to fill in an incident report form regarding your daughter?”

Me “Yes! No problem at all!”

Also me....

* New baby *

“We shall bathe them every 72 hours using only the finest mineral water, harvested by nuns from the deepest Icelandic lakes. Not a single chemical shall grace their skin or pollute their follicles. No trace of fluoride will contaminate her tiny little soul.”

* Nearly 3 year old *

“She’s probably due her monthly hose down.”